Stuff: Rating Change and More Cracked

Another update.

So, I'm going to be posting and re-posting my more adult writings again. For any people that got an impression of me only doing cutesy things because of the Polar Bear and Bunny story, that's not really my true self. Just a little experiment.

Now, I've been wanting to focus more on the writing for Purveyor Press, the publishing company in the Cracked forums I didn't specifically mention. I will still update the blog, but not daily anymore.

Boogie Fights For His Right To Take A Dump

This one's about an awesome YouTuber named Boogie2988.

Boogie runs to the bathroom, having to take a furious poop when a ghost suddenly came out of the toilet.

“Uh,” Boogie chuckled, “What?”

“I am the Genie of the Toilet!” the Toilet Genie says.

“Okay, now can I take a dump, or do I have to make a wish?” Boogie asks.

“No wish! Simply a fight for your toilet, for I have claimed it!”

“But, you’re a genie,” Boogie says.

The Genie suddenly fires electricity from his hands that shocks Boogie.

“You son of a-!

Boogie reached for his electric razor which shocked him even more until he swung it at the Genie by the cord. The Genie became electrocuted by the razor and was lit on fire, swirling down back into the toilet. Finally, Boogie could drop a huge log.

New writing every day.

Slowbeef Plays A Haunted Video Game

I writing that I'm re-posting. I will put up something new today though. 

Slowbeef came home with a game he found at Gamestop. It was covered in white with the title, “Metroid Prime” written in black marker on it.

He asked the clerk why it was in that kind of case who then said, “You don’t want that one. Kid came in with it and said, ‘Googly Metroid.’ I tried it and couldn’t handle eleven seconds of it.”

Slowbeef chuckled with an, “Oh my lord,” and bought it just to see what was up.

He slapped the disk in his Gamecube and when the title menu came up the music was much more sinister and scary, but Slowbeef didn’t mind it because it really wasn’t.

“You got intimidated by this music?” he asked to himself.

Beef started the game and was immediately thrust into a dark hallway. Samus’ arm cannon showed up on the screen, but there was some feeling of lifelessness to her. Maybe that’s because she’s a silent protagonist up until she got ruined. Slowbeef was a little interested in how someone modded this, but was also thinking about how stupid the gameplay was.

“Oh, man. Walkin’ down this hallway. So much gameplay depth,” he kept talking to himself, “I should have showed this to Betus.”

Then a metroid with eyes popping out of it from springs flew onto the screen from out of nowhere with a loud, “Dun!” sound. Slowbeef reeled back in his chair, laughing his butt off. He then turned off the game and got on Skype with Diabetus.

“Yes?” Betus asked.

“I need to stream this game for you,” Beef tells him.

“What game?” Diabetus asked some more.

“Okay, you’re not gonna believe me, but it’s a ‘haunted’ disk of Metroid Prime.”

Diabetus snuffed on the other end, “Does it have a space pirate dressed up as a killer clown?”

“Well, we should find out huh?”

Slowbeef was about to get everything ready until he noticed that when the Gamecube was turned on there was no game in it. He checked the tray and nothing was there. The case was missing too. Ooooooooooooo.  

New writing every day. 

Stuff: Cracked

First update about what I'm doing exactly. 

Cracked has made a call for writers on a horror story compilation that I'll be participating in, so I'm most likely gonna be writing shorter stuff until about mid December. I'll probably try more poems. Still gonna update daily though.

Action

This is a short experiment I made on trying to make characters who can't speak and can only interact.

Bethin was a male Shin. His body was a slender, black and flat figure of torso, head, neck, arms, hands, legs, feet and large horns. Bethin was moving into his very own home, a veiny, cone shaped mound of flesh on the back of Urastar. Accompanying him was his mate, Ahj, a female Shin. The difference is in the horns having a form as if the very top has been split down the middle. Bethin went into his new home to see Ahj standing around, looking at the interior. She turns to him from a sense of his presence and runs up to give him a hug. They then sat on the floor after the two did three sets of twenty push-ups and lowered their heads down.

Bethin’s horns then entered the openings of Ahj’s horns and they both were thrusted into a connection of their minds in a land of pink fluff and fuzzy, white, ball like creatures. In this world the two lovers held each other’s hand and looked off into the sunny distance. They then blew up the star with lasers coming from their eyes. The fuzzy creatures grew afraid of the sudden darkness and then were annihilated by the couple’s red lasers. The fuzzy creatures popped open, their pink souls flying around gleefully as the pair skipped through the now dark wonderland. They then disconnected from each other after every last fuzz ball was popped and then found a comfortable flesh mound to sleep on, their arms around each other. The next day they went off to fight against the Agni scourge.  

New writing every day.

Metro: Last Light Review

Here’s a little review I posted on Metacritic about Metro: Last Light, just with some adjustments.

First off, this is a game that needs to be played on the higher difficulties to get full enjoyment out of it. Although the guns feel and sound great, the gun play will feel like Call of Duty with the human enemies and Borderlands with the monsters if you run and gun on easy mode.

Where it truly shines is in survival and it’s best to have that be challenging for it to be good survival. One of the best fps enemies I’ve ever fought comes in the form of the spider as you shine your light on them to flip them on their back and then shoot their stomach, preferably with your double-barrel, while fending off the other many spiders in a search for ammo and air filters along with charging up that especially needed flashlight.

Despite the game being very story-based, it’s narrative isn’t spectacular aside from a good side character, a reasonable attachment with the main character after the first game and now this and a good message from the theme.

The game is also very good at having contrasting tones with bleakness and a tone that should be uplifting even if it doesn’t feel like it. Case in point, the world of Metro is a dark place, but you have some rather funny lines from characters and some erotic themes to take off the tension, but all of the erotic themes feel rather forced, so it doesn’t work out the best. Overall though, Metro does try to show a grain of hope in all the darkness that resides in it with these things, especially with both of the endings, even if one is a bit more grim. And that’s one of the things that I love so much about this game and it’s genre. You fight on and eventually that sliver of light makes it through the darkness.

I’ll get a bit more on the subject of survival in video games in another post since that was one of the most notable themes in games this year and is honestly one of my favorites.

New writing every day.

Bullying: It's A Full Time Job

This is a poem I made way back as in about just a year. I always enjoyed these and might try more. Also, this is a bit inspired by a show I used to be really into, so not really a video game related post.

Bullying: It’s A Full Time Job

You’re so mad

because you’re so sad

and because of you,

when the signal goes moo,

they're gonna get you too

You lay there in that bed chillin’

actin like the villain

and it’s not your fault.

Not at all

But you’re gonna pay.

It’s barely ever your day.

If only you got assistance

maybe from an older sister.

Now you’re going down

and you might be thinking how?

Of course it’s happening again.

Everyone else is your bane.

But you haven’t hit the ground yet.

You still have some time left.

There are so many others in the land

that maybe you’ll be saved by something like a band

of friends who forgive you.

It’s just a maybe,

but know this baby.

You’re not bad.

New writing every day.

Polar Bear and Bunny: The Taken

So, I thought I was about to quit the blog because of some issues, but I found a way to do this. If the old viewers aren't coming back after that long hiatus, then welcome new viewers and welcome back any of the old ones if you're still here.  

Once upon a time there was a Polar Bear and a Bunny and they were working at a carnival. They would hand out cotton candy at the vendor they worked in until one day when the crowd seemed rather scarce. The Polar Bear was playing his portable system when someone came to the counter.

“Jan Jan, can you get this one?” he asked the snow white and skinny Bunny Rabbit who was making some cotton candy.

“Bloody ‘el ya fatso! Stop playin’ dat game an do yerself some work,” she said in her Scottish accent, even though there’s no Scotland in this world, and got some cotton candy.

“I love you,” the Bear uttered in one fast sentence.

“I love ya too,” she said while pecking him on the cheek and handing the treat to the person at the counter. “Here ya go lo-” The Bunny’s eyes went wide when she saw the face of the Chipmunk in front of her.

It’s eyes were sunken in with a green color and it’s mouth hanged open, agape.

“Dear lord, what’s wrong with ya’?” the Bunny said with concern in her voice.

The chipmunk’s mouth stretched even wider than possible with a voice that came out saying, “I will swallow your soul! And your colon if that’s okay.”

The Bunny raised an eyebrow at that last part.

“It won’t even be gruesome on your body. I just stick a tentacle down your throat and slurp it up,” the Chipmunk explained.

“Uh, no thanks,” the Bunny declined.

“Then I will take your soul by force!” the Chipmunk yelled and started climbing over the counter.

The Bunny squealed and backed away, running into the Polar Bear who got tipped over, landing on the drape of the vendor. The whole thing came crashing down with the Polar Bear and Bunny crawling out, unharmed.

“What happened?” the Polar Bear asked while still playing his game.

“Will you stop that?!” the Bunny slapped the system out of his hands, “We just got attacked by some kinda monster squirrel!”

“It looked like a chipmunk to me,” the Polar Bear said.

The Bunny glared at him and said, “Let’s go see if anyone knows what’s goin’ on.”

The Polar Bear and Bunny head out to the other vendors and see nobody around.

“Where’d everybody go?” she asked.

“The pants harvest?” he said, unsure.

“It is vibrant in Spring,” she started speaking in a Southern accent even though- well, you get it. “Darn thing,” she tapped her throat until the Scottish one came back.

Suddenly a horde of animals was seen slumping towards them off in the distance.

“Are they slumpin’?” she asked.

“Hold on,” the Polar Bear said as he pulled out a metallic device.

He then looked through two pieces of it. A pair of binoculars they were.

“Yeah, they’re like the Squirrel,” the Bear confirmed.

“Chipmunk,” the Rabbit corrected.

“Didn’t I say that?” the Bear asked.

“Nope. Now, I guess we found what we were lookin’ for,” the Rabbit said.

“Oh, taffy,” the Bear said while walking to one of the stands.

“Babe, we got no time fer taffeh’. Babe?”

“Don’t worry honey. Just getting this,” he pulls out a backpack connected to a big device and walks back towards her.

“Nice ‘n!”

“This should slow them down while we find the source.”

“I bet them shooters have upped yer accuracy,” the Bunny said with a smile as she got behind him.

“That stuff only helps your hand-eye coordination,” the Bear said while racking something on the device.

“Wha-?

The device shoots out giant strands of pink taffy to plaster onto the taken animals, making them stick to the ground. The weapon also sends the Bear flying back with the Rabbit from the harsh recoil.

“That stuff’s intense!” the Rabbit said.

“Let’s go!” the Bear said while getting up and helping her to her feet so they could run away.

The whole carnival was filled with taken animals that the Bear fired at from left and right until they made it to the docks where there was a speed boat.

“There’s no way out better than this!,” the Rabbit said as she got the boat started. “Don’t even think about firin’ that thing on here!” she said to her partner.

The Polar Bear took off the taffy shooter and sat down next to the Bunny.

“Is it coming out on the tracker now?” the Bunny asked.

The Polar Bear pulled out a tablet and swiped his fingers on it a few times.

“I’m getting a reading finally. Let’s just go to the other side of the island and make our way to it from there,” the Bear said.

Everything was working out. They’d found what they were looking for and a fuzzy arm had been making it’s way over the side of the boat the whole time they were talking.

New writing every day.